Harmonia Nectere Passus
by DBM12
Summary: A story about Draco Malfoy's life set about 3 years after the war. What does his life look like now? Is his family still feared and respected? How did the war affect him? Does he await the same faith as his family, generation on generation, being forced to marry a pureblood? And most importantly, will he ever find love?
1. Chapter 1

_DISCLAIMER: I do not own any rights of Harry Potter. This story is based on my own ideas and may be different than the real story. I just write these for fun :) I also apologise in advance for any typos or grammatical errors._

* * *

That will be 12 Galleons and 7 Sickles, sir." The wizard behind the counter said.

"Keep the change." The white blond wizard answered and took his new purchases. Several rolls of the finest calfskin parchment and a, so has been claimed, quill that once belonged to Beedle the Bard.

There were several other wizards in Scribbulus Writing Implements, a shop located next to an archway leading into Knockturn Alley, who were staring at the white blond wizard. Some looked at him in disgust, looking him up and down. It has been like that for almost three years now but he still wasn't used to it. Normally he, Draco Malfoy, was the one who gave people arrogant looks, he was the one that was proud, proud of being a Malfoy, being a Slytherin. But there wasn't much left of that pride anymore. After all what happened during the war most people were disgusted by the family. Maybe people were disgusted by them before but they mostly were wise enough not to show it, because they were simply scared. But there weren't many people left who were scared of the Malfoys. The family has been 'lucky' enough to stay out of Azkaban after the war by giving the Ministry of Magic information about the Death Eaters. Although this made people hate them even more.

Draco left the shop and walked into Diagon Alley. Quickly looking at the archway that led to Knockturn Alley which made him shiver a bit. He made his way to the Leaky Cauldron, a popular wizarding pub and inn in London. He immediately received lots of stares and angry glances as soon as he walked in. He walked over to the bar and softly cleared his throat.

"Can I have a glass of Blishen's Firewhiskey?"

"Of course, Mr Malfoy." Tom the barman replied and poured him a glass of Firewhiskey. He was one of the few who wasn't rude to Draco, but that most likely was because he was still afraid of the Malfoys and didn't want to lose costumers.

"Thank you." Draco murmured as he sat down on a rickety bar stool. He took a sip of his Firewhiskey and felt the liqueur burning in his throat.

'Are you serious?' he thought to himself when he saw three familiar people walking in: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger.

He picked up his glass of whiskey and quickly made his way to a table in a darker corner, he didn't want the trio to spot him, let alone talk to him, although he doubted if they ever would talk to him. He sat there in the corner quietly, looking at them from afar. They took a seat at a table, laughing and talking excitedly. He saw that Tom brought them some butterbeers.

"The heroes..." Draco murmured to himself annoyed. Since the very first day he started at Hogwarts Harry Potter had been the hero and he, Draco Malfoy, had been the spoiled, evil pureblood and yet 10 years later nothing had changed. He couldn't help but feel some sort of jealousy, some kind of envy deep down inside when he looked at them. Although he has been popular amongst his fellow Slytherin's and he always had Crabbe and Goyle by his side, it wasn't the same kind of friendship the trio had. He started to wonder if he has ever had real friends or if they just were nice to him because they were simply scared of him and his family. He took his glass and drunk all of the Firewhiskey that was left in one go. He pressed his eyes closed for some seconds and suddenly the feeling of feeling lonely overwhelmed him. He wanted to scream, to cry, to show the world who he really is but he couldn't, he just couldn't. He was a coward, just like his dad, he was a coward and a disgrace to his family. Why couldn't he accomplish the task the Dark Lord once asked him, why couldn't he stand up for himself, why couldn't he have his own life and own identity? Because he was a coward. He opened his eyes again and looked at the trio, surrounded by people who were thanking them and smiling at them.

"The bloody heroes..." he murmured again through gritted teeth.

Some hours and several glasses (or bottles) of Firewhiskey later he apparated back home, to Malfoy Manor.

* * *

 _I hope you all liked this first chapter, I know it is a little bit short. Please let me know in the comments what you think of it so far :)_

 _Also a very special thanks to some of my friends out there who really helped me with the story development and got me to write this chapter._

 _xxx_


	2. Chapter 2

_DISCLAIMER: I do not own any rights of Harry Potter. This story is based on my own ideas and may be different than the real story. I just write these for fun :) I also apologise in advance for any typos or grammatical errors._

 _Since the only revealed names of the Greengrass family are Daphne and Astoria, I came up with names for their parents myself: Amelia and Atticus Greengrass. I hope you like this chapter._

 _P.S. I am sorry if the layout might look a bit odd, copying and pasting from Word documents does not always go the way I want it ;)_

* * *

Draco Malfoy apparated back home, to Malfoy Manor, right into the drawing room where his mother Narcissa was sitting on the sofa.

"Draco!" She said startled, jumping up from the sofa. Draco looked around him, slightly confused.

"I-I'm sorry mother, didn't mean to scare you.." He murmured.

"Have you been drinking?" She asked suspiciously, raising an eyebrow.

He shrugged in response "Maybe.. A little.."

Narcissa sighed. "Darling.."

Draco shot her an annoyed look "Don't even." he said, making his way into the hall, running up the stairs.

When he got to his room he threw the bags he still was carrying in a corner, along with his cloak and scarf. He sat down on his bed, kicking off his shoes aggressively. He sighed and placed his head in his hands. What was going on with him? Why did these three people effect him so much? How could he ever be jealous of 'the chosen one' a Weasley and a mudblood? Huh? What's has gotten into him? He could not deny it though, he felt lonely. There, he admitted it, he felt lonely. There was no one out there anymore who was friendly, wanted to meet up with him, go to quidditch matches, go for a drink, let alone there will be someone left of this earth who would ever love him and marry him. He took a deep shaky breath.

"For Merlin's sake.. Put yourself together..." He mumbled to himself.

There was a knock on the door and his mother walked in.

"Are you okay?" She asked carefully.

He didn't reply. Narcissa walked over to her son and sat down beside him, on the bed.

"I know you're going through a rough time darling.. That's why it is important we stay strong, together.."

Draco still didn't reply. He just looked down at his hands. After some moments Narcissa started talking again.

"Astoria is coming over tomorrow.."

"What?" He looked up.

"She, her parents and her sister, we invited them for brunch.."

"I-I won't be there.." He said.

"Why not?" She asked.

"Oh don't you understand mother?!" He suddenly lost his temper and stood up. "I'm sorry.." He said, his voice breaking, and before he knew tears were streaming down his face.

"Oh Draco darling, come here." She said and pulled him down next to her on the bed again. She wrapped her arms tightly around him and kissed his head. "It's going to be okay.. I promise.." She whispered.

"Everything just sucks.. This stupid house.. I hate it.." He said between sobs.

"Why do you hate it my love?"

"It just.. It just constantly reminds me of what happened here, with You Know Who and father and everyone else.."

Visions of those days were coming back to his mind, Voldemort and all the other Death Eaters sitting at their dining table, his teacher being eaten by a giant snake, his aunt torturing Hermione..

That night he didn't sleep well. He was having nightmares again, and they were only getting worse and worse.

He walked into the dining room, to find his parents sitting at the long table.

"Well, well..." his father said disapprovingly.

"Darling we are sorry..." his mom said.

"W-what are you talking about?" Draco asked confused.

"You can't stay here any longer." Lucius said. Draco looked confused, not sure what to say. "You have let the Dark Lord down, you are a disgrace to this family Draco."

"But father-" Draco stammered.

"I am not your father anymore." Lucius said as he stood up and pointed his wand at Draco. Narcissa looked at her husband with nothing else than fear in her eyes.

"Crucio!" Lucius yelled.

But Draco did not feel any pain, at that moment the room around him started to change. He suddenly was in a dark room, he could barely see anything but it felt damp and smelled like something rotten. He heard something was approaching him, something rather large was slithering towards him. He then heard a hissing sound. He quickly reached in his pocket and desperately searched for his wand but he couldn't find it. He started to panic.

"Nagini.. Don't eat our guest.. yet.." a familiar hissing voice said.

Draco's breathing became quicker, his heart started to pound faster and sweat was dripping from the back of his neck. Suddenly there was a flash of light from the back of the room, Voldemort had illuminated his wand and he was approaching Draco.

"Well, well, look who we have there," he said in a cold voice. "The boy who couldn't even bare to kill Albus Dumbledore."

"My Lord, I-I am sorry..." Draco stammered, his voice shaking with fear.

"Oh you are sorry? Then it is all good isn't it?" Voldemort answered and let out a cold, sarcastic laugh. "But that doesn't change the fact Nagini is hungry.."

"No, please, my Lord, I am begging you!" Draco said, dropping down onto his knees, his whole body was shaking with fear now.

"It is too late now, boy. Nagini, dinner..."

"No, please, NO!"

He woke up with sweat dripping down his body. He was breathing heavily and his heart was pounding out of his chest. It took a while before he realised where he was, he rubbed his hand over his face and murmured to himself "It was a dream.. it was just a dream..." as he was still panting. He got out of bed, put on his silk emerald bathrobe and walked into his bathroom. He splashed some water on his face and looked at himself in the mirror. "Well you have known better days." He said to his reflection. He was looking pale, paler than ever, his grey eyes weren't sparkling and bright but dull and he had dark circles under his eyes. He took a deep breath and went downstairs. As he walked into the dining room he saw his mother sitting at the long dining table. For a second a flash of his nightmare came back and it made his stomach turn.

"Good morning darling." Narcissa said and smiled.

"Are you alright?" she asked when she looked at her son a little better.

"Yes.. yes fine." Draco simply answered as he sat down at the table as well.

"Are you sure? You look very pale." Narcissa said concerned.

"Nothing to worry about, mother." He said as a house elf brought him his breakfast.

"If you say so.. As much as I love that bathrobe, will you please change into your clothes soon after breakfast?" Narcissa asked.

Draco looked up from his breakfast a bit confused. "Yes sure, why exactly?"

"The Greengrasses are coming over, remember I told you about it yesterday?"

Damn it, he totally forgot about that. "And I told you I was not joining you." He replied coldly.

"I am afraid you have to; we need to discuss the wedding."

"Wedding? Did I miss anything? Who is getting married?" he said slightly sarcastic, slightly angry.

Narcissa sighed. "I am not having this discussion with you again."

"Good." He simply answered.

He finished his breakfast, stood up and walked out.

After a loosing a fight with his dad (he still wasn't capable of standing up to him) about him not wanted to see the Greengrasses he eventually got dressed in a black turtleneck jumper and black trousers, made sure he looked a bit more 'alive' and went downstairs with a heavy heart. Making his way into the drawing room, he found his parents sitting on the emerald silk jacquard sofa.

"Well at least you look a bit more descent now." Lucius said as he looked at his son.

Draco did not reply and sat down in a Victorian armchair. After some minutes they heard the doorbell ring and a house elf brought the Greengrass family into the drawing room.

Narcissa and Lucius quickly stood up, but Draco did not make much effort.

"Amelia, Atticus, how lovely to see you." Narcissa said as she welcomed the Greengrasses.

Lucius gave Draco a strict look that meant he had to stand up. With a deep sigh Draco stood up and also shook hands with the Greengrasses, feeling a rather awkward tension between him and Astoria.

"Please take a seat," Lucius said. "Perhaps you would like to sit next to my son?" he added as he looked at Astoria.

She smiled politely in response and sat down next to Draco in another armchair. She was wearing a floor-length navy blue silk dress and her brown wavy hair was draped over one side of her shoulder. It was clear that it was not her own choice either to marry this wizard.

As her parents and sister were settled another house elf came in to bring tea and delicious looking cakes and pastries.

"So uhm, how have you been doing?" Astoria asked Draco, trying to break the ice awkwardly. It was not like they had never seen each other before, Draco was quite familiar with the Greengrass family. Daphne Greengrass, Astoria's older sister attended Hogwarts in the same year as Draco, and since they were part of the Sacred Twenty-Eight, the Malfoy and Greengrass family always have been close and their children used to play together when they were younger.

"I'm fine." He answered coldly.

She nodded. "I am glad..."

Both of their parents could see that Astoria and Draco were not having a very deep and cheerful conversation so Narcissa suggested they could go for a walk in the gardens, she thought if they would have some time alone they might get a bit more 'intimate'.

As they were walking in the garden, Astoria and Draco were obviously left alone.

"I am sorry." Draco said to Astoria after their parents were out of sight.

"About what?" Astoria asked and frowned.

"About all this, my parents setting all this up, the marriage. Or were you going to tell me you want to marry me?" Draco said.

"It is not your fault; my parents are exactly the same. I mean, Daphne has to marry Nott. It has all been set up before we even were born. It is our destiny." She replied.

"So it is time we do something about this. Don't get me wrong, you are a very nice girl and you don't look bad either, but I don't want to marry you." Draco said.

"Not bad?" she chuckled. "I understand you though.. I mean, it is not my own choice to marry you either.."

"So why don't we tell our parents and just find someone we love, that we _truly_ love?" Draco asked.

"And end the bloodline? Not only my bloodline is about to end since it is only me and my sister but you will also end the Malfoy bloodline." Astoria said.

"Like you care?" he replied and raised his eyebrows.

"It is not about what I want or what you want. Our lives were already set out for us before we even were born, just like our parents, grandparents, etcetera."

"Are you even listening to me?" Draco said, starting to loose his temper. "I said it is time that we stop listening to our parents and all these old fashioned ways. We will never be happy, is that what you want? And we will have to get a son, Merlin knows how many children we will end up with. I am sorry but I am not the fatherly type."

"I completely agree with you Draco, I do. But if I don't do what they say they'll kick me out, they will disinherit me, there will be nothing left of me, no one would ever want to talk to me again or be able to find a job."

"Welcome to my life." Draco said. Sadness and hate in his voice.

Astoria just looked at him for a moment, not saying anything. It was just now that she realised that the Malfoy she had known was no longer there. Normally she saw a cunning, proud and arrogant boy, now all she saw was a young man that was all but proud. She could see his pain, his anger and, something she did not even know Draco Malfoy was capable of: insecurity.

"I am sorry..." she said quietly after a while.

He shook his head. "Don't be."

"We might not be lovers but please, don't forget we can always be friends. I am your friend Draco. If there is anything I can do.."

"Thanks, that means a lot. It really does." He said and a soft smile appeared on his face.

She smiled back at him as she carefully pulled Draco into an embrace.

He held her firmly, he could not even remember the last time someone embraced him, apart from his mother. He needed this, even though he did not want to admit it.

After a moment they let go off of each other and looked at each other, slightly awkward as well.

"Well enough of this cheesy stuff, let's go for that walk then." Draco said and started walking.

* * *

 _I hope you all liked this chapter, I am sorry you all had to wait so long for this. Feel free to leave comments. If you only have negative things to say, please do not bother. Also a huge thank you to my friends who always helped me out when I struggle with writing :)_


	3. Chapter 3

_DISClAIMER: I do not own any rights of Harry Potter. This story is based on my own ideas and may be different than the real story. I just write these for fun :) I also apologise in advance for any typos or grammatical errors._

* * *

"Wake up Draco, wake up.." Narcissa said to her son while she sat on the edge of the bed.

Draco fluttered his eyes open, looking at his mother, breathing heavily.

"I heard you screaming..." she said softly, looking at her son concerned.

He just nodded, looking slightly confused.

"Maybe it is a good idea to talk to someone about these nightmares Draco, they're only getting worse and-"

"No." he interrupted his mother. "I'm not going to talk to anyone. I'm fine. I can handle this alone." He said stubbornly.

"It doesn't seem like you are fine." Narcissa said.

"Maybe if you all stopped interfering with my life it will get better." He said annoyed. He threw the sheets aside and got out of his bed, making his way to the bathroom.

His mother sighed and looked down at her hands. She knew he was right. They were telling him what to do, who to marry, how to dress, who to talk to.. she knew it wasn't right but she had no choice, had she? She was used to it, she was raised like this, and so was her husband.

"Or maybe.." Narcissa tried carefully as she walked over to open door of his bathroom. "Maybe try to think of good things before you go to sleep. Look at pictures, read a book, something to get your mind off of things."

"You think I do this on purpose?" Draco replied as he washed his face.

"No, of course not. But maybe you can just try..?"

"Maybe." He said as he put on his bathrobe. "Sorry mother but I would like to take a shower now."

"Sure, I'll see you for breakfast then." Narcissa said, she gave him a soft smile before she left.

But instead of taking a shower he dressed himself quickly and disapparated. He needed some time alone, some time to clear his mind and just to be away from his parents and the manor. He apparated into some bystreet of Diagon Alley. The bystreet he apparated in was dark, cold and damp. He took a deep breath, wrapped his cloak a little tighter around himself and walked into Diagon Alley. He looked around at some shop windows, the one of Quality Quidditch Supplies always caught his eye. He stood in front of the shop and stopped for a second to look at the brooms. It had been ages since he played Quidditch. He missed it, a lot. Honestly, all he wanted was to become a Quidditch player when he was younger, he still would, but he just wasn't good enough to become a professional player. Some years ago it would have seemed impossible to him that he wasn't 'good enough' for something, let alone Quidditch. He had become more of a realistic person over the years, or was this what they called 'growing up'? He certainly did feel more grown up anyway, all the things he had been through since the age of 16 made him grow up fast. He didn't have a choice.

He stared at the shop window, still thinking for a little while, till he realised people were looking at him. The white blonde hair surely didn't help. He shook his head slightly, trying to come back to present and continued his way down the alley, looking down at his feet to keep people from staring at him.

His mother was right, what she said to him this morning, about needing distraction. Maybe he should get a hobby or a book or a pet to keep him busy and get his mind off of things. Although a pet seemed a bit drastic. He never considered himself as an animal lover, really. Maybe that was just because he didn't grow up having pets, besides from owls but he couldn't say he had any affection for them. Maybe it would be a good idea to start with a book. He passed by Whizz Hard Books and decided to give it a try. The bookshop was quiet, apart from the little bell above the door that rang when Draco walked in. Some people looked up to see who had entered, other people continued to browse bookshelves and some were just reading at little wooden tables. Of course people were giving him looks, some just looked rather terrified as they realised who he was and minded their won business again. As he walked in he heard the wooden floor creak, he felt like everyone was looking at him, even though that might only be his imagination, he tried not to care about it.

He walked a bit further down the shop, when he saw a girl with half long silver blonde hair standing on her tippy toes, desperately trying to reach for a book. He wasn't sure why, but he just felt like he had to help her.

"Excuse me, do you need help...?" He asked carefully.

The girl looked at him, she was at least 5 inches short than him, with almost turquoise blue eyes and little freckles on her nose.

"Uhm, yes, please." The girl answered.

Draco reached for the book and flipped it over so he could read the cover.

"Enchanted Encounters," he said as he handed her the book. "One of my guilty pleasures." Did he just really say that?

The girl chuckled lightly. "Thanks.." she said and she held the book close to her chest.

"You're welcome.." he said quietly.

"Elara," the silver haired girl said. "Elara Plunkett." She said and hold out a hand.

Draco hesitated for a moment but decided to shake her hand. "Draco Malfoy..."

He used to feel so proud when he introduced himself but now, now he was just ashamed of that name and scared of what people would think of him.

"I know." She said as she shook his hand.

He raised his eyebrows. "And yet you haven't walked away or looked at me in disgust...?" He said and let go of her hand.

"Why would I?" Elara asked.

"Because.. because I'm Draco Malfoy." He said as if that would explain everything.

She just kept looking at him as if she was waiting for a better explanation.

"If you know who I am you probably are aware of the things I've done.."

"Haven't we all done things in the past that we aren't proud of? I don't care who you were... I care about who you are now." She said.

He was startled. He had no idea who this girl was and why she just told him this.

"I hope you enjoy your book, it's a good one." He said and walked off.

He walked over to another book case, trying to process what just happened. Was this all real or was just one of his dreams again? At least it wasn't a nightmare, but for sure it was very surreal.

He picked some books he thought he might like, paid them and left the bookshop. It was time to go home, his parents were probably wondering where he was. He walked back to the bystreet that he apparated in, but while he was walking there he heard footsteps behind him, as if someone was following him. He decided to take a sudden turn, into Knockturn Alley, to see if the person would do the same. And so the person did. It must be that girl from the bookshop, he thought to himself.

"Are you following me?" Draco said.

He didn't hear anyone reply and he turned around to see if she still was there. But she wasn't, or it might be better to say she had never been there. He stood face to face with Walden Macnair, a Death Eater.

* * *

 _I am sorry I kept you guys waiting for so long! And I am sorry it is a bit short, I still hope you enjoyed it though! :) Thanks for all your help and support so far lovelies, I very much appreciatie it! xxx_


	4. Chapter 4

Draco was petrified. He couldn't speak nor move.  
"Hello, Draco." Macnair said with a devilish grin. "Doin' a bit of shopping, aren't ya? Well I hope I'm not interrupting.."  
"W-what do you want?" Draco said nervously, holding onto his wand in his pocket.  
Macnair let out a rather nasty laugh. "What could I possibly want from you? You're a failure, just like your father! All I want is for you and your family to be gone." He said aggressively.  
Draco gulped, he still was petrified. Even tough he was holding onto his wand he was too scared to actually take it out and fire a spell at the former Death Eater. But Macnair raised his wand, Draco closed his eyes and-  
"Protego!" A voice yelled and Macnair's spell was blocked. He turned around to face the person who just fired the shield charm.  
"Help! Someone help me! There's a Death Eater!" The person started yelling.  
Draco still had his eyes closed, but by the sound of a loud 'bang' he assumed Macnair disapparated. When he opened his eyes again he saw the person who saved him.  
"You." He said breathlessly.  
He stood face to face with Elara Plunkett, the silver blonde girl he just met at the bookstore.  
She just smiled awkwardly, not sure what to say.  
"What are you- why- how-?" Draco just stammered confused.  
"Long story." She simply said.

They were quiet for a moment.  
"I- I better go." Draco said eventually.  
Elara nodded, looking slightly offended, he could have thanked her at least, she just saved his life after all.  
"Sure."  
Draco wrapped his cloak around him tightly again and disapparated with a bang.  
When he was back in his bedroom he realised he had been gone for quite some time and his parents must have been wondering where he went. He threw his cloak and books he bought on his four poster and tried to make his way downstairs silently. When he was walking down the corridor he passed his father's study, and to Draco's horror he saw the door was open. He held his breath and walked as silently as he could pass the open door.  
"Draco?" His father's voice sounded from the study.  
"Merlin's beard." He murmured under his breath and walked into the study.  
"Yes father?" He tried to sound as nonchalantly as he could.  
"Where on earth have you been? Your mother and I were so worried!" Lucius said as he looked at his son with fire spitting eyes.  
"Oh were you?" Draco spat back. "I can imagine mother was worried but you? Don't make me laugh!"  
"What's the matter with you? What did I do to make you think I don't care about you?" Lucius said.  
"Oh well, let me think," Draco said sarcastically. "Maybe never letting me do what I wanted to do, letting me live my own life, getting You Know Who into our house and making me a Death Eater, you didn't even try to stop him!"  
"That's enough!" Lucius yelled back, getting rather furious and emotional at the same time. "I never wanted you to be in any danger whatsoever, nor your mother!"  
"Oh please father, do you even believe that nonsense you're telling? Maybe that works on mother because she just refuses to think there's nothing good left in you. And you know what, that's exactly the difference between you and her: she actually tries to help me and shows me she loves me, but you... words but no deeds."

Father and son just stared at each other for a moment, trying to let in what just had been said. As soon as it hit Lucius he didn't take it well. His hand hit his sons cheek. It all happened within a split second.  
"You are not my son." He whispered angrily through gritted teeth. Draco didn't face him, he was just staring blankly with tears in his eyes. He heard his father gulp and leaving. When the sound of the creaking wooden floorboards had faded Draco was sure his father was gone. His gaze went back to the study, he blinked with his eyes a couple of times as his eyes still started to fill with more tears and his chest heaved rapidly as his breathing quickened.

He decided not to talk about this with his mother or anyone else. He spend most of the time in his room and went for a walk in the garden, trying to clear his mind but even then all he could think of were those nightmares, his father, the unfortunate meeting with Walden Macnair, Astoria..

That evening as he was laying in bed under the emerald covers, leaning against some fluffed up pillows against his headboard, he decided to start reading one of the books he bought that day. Involuntary he thought about that girl from the bookstore again, not quite able to remember her name. After a while he felt sleepy and seized his wand from the nightstand, mumbled "nox" and laid down. He really liked the book he read and as much as he tried to keep that story on his mind when he was about to fall asleep, it didn't help at all. He was having nightmares again and they weren't getting any better. They were now filled with Voldemort who was attending his and Astoria's wedding, as Astoria took her veil away from her face it turned out to be his father, he was surrounded by Death Eaters again and they were all saying what a failure he was and started to fire Cruciates Curses at him. These terrors kept hunting him in his sleep for the next two weeks. Two weeks, that's when his mother decided this had to stop as soon as possible.  
"You need to talk to someone!" She said desperately, a tear rolling down her cheek.  
"Mother I'm-" Draco tried but he was cut off by his mother.  
"Don't say you're fine, because you are not. You can't keep denying that Draco."  
She was right about that. Eventually he gave in and his mom made an appointment with a professional psychologist at St Mungo's.

The next day he travelled to Muggle London (partly by Underground, how Muggles ever understood which trains to take was still a big mystery to him) and wearing more Muggle like clothes, such as a pair of dark jeans and a black hoodie. If his father would only see him like this, dressing up as Muggle.. he thought to himself. He arrived at the red-bricked, condemned department store called 'Purge and Dowse Ltd'.  
"I have an appointment." He murmured to the ugly female dummy in the window. The dummy nodded and beckoned him in. Draco quickly looked around him once more before he stepped through the window. He then found himself in the reception area of St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. He wasn't quite sure where to go so he decided to ask the Welcoming Witch instead. Even though he felt so embarrassed to be in a hospital and afraid that anyone would recognise him, he quickly came to the conclusion most people probably wouldn't. First of all he was dressed quite differently than he normally would and secondly he seemed to be the most 'normal' person to be here if he judged by things he saw around him. Some people seemed to have no idea who they were or where they were, some where injured (Quidditch accidents, he thought), one man was somehow glued to a bewitched toilet seat that seemed to be biting his behind and others were vomiting and turning rather unnatural colours.  
"Hello.." he started awkwardly. "I am not sure where to go."  
The witch looked at him, showing no sign of knowing who he was. "What's the matter? Any pain?" She asked.  
"No, no I have an appointment with a psychologist."  
"Second floor." The witch stated. "Next."  
Draco walked over to the elevator and looked at the floor plan and read: second floor - magical bugs and diseases.

Draco frowned, was it a disease what he was having? He stepped into the elevator, along with a man who was wearing shoes that seemed to be eating his feet. When he arrived at the second floor he saw a little sign above a door saying 'Mental Diseases'.  
"Well that's probably it then.." he mumbled to himself. As he opened to door he found a small waiting area with a desk. He was quite relieved to see the waiting room was empty, apart from the witch at the desk.  
"What's your name dear?" She asked with a friendly smile.  
"Malfoy, Draco Malfoy." He said.  
The which nodded as she checked the list.  
"Please take a seat, the other appoint is taking a bit longer than expected but the Healer will be here soon."  
He nodded and took a seat. After about 10 minutes the door of the office opened. As Draco looked up he saw a rather familiar person walking out and the person seemed to have spotted him too.  
"What are you doing here?" George Weasley asked shocked.  
"Well I could ask you the same thing." Draco snarled back.  
George just ignored him and walked over to the witch at the desk to make a new appointment.

"Mr Malfoy?" A woman's voice called.  
"Yes." He said absently, tearing his gaze from George Weasley and looking at the woman who just called him. She held out her hand. "Elara Plunkett. But I think we've met before." She chuckled.  
Draco's mouth fell open. 'Is this a joke?' He thought. But he tried to stay polite. "Yes, I think we have.." he said and shook her hand again. She then led him inside her office.  
"Please sit down, would you like to drink anything?" She asked.  
"No, thanks, I'm fine." Draco answered as he sat down.

The room was very white and empty but somehow cosy at the same time. This actually helped him to feel a little calmer, even though his mind was racing.  
She smiled at him and sat down at her desk, looking at his file.  
"So I see you're having night terrors." She said.  
Draco nodded. "Correct."  
"And I assume you would like to get rid of them."  
"Correct again."  
"Why don't you start with telling me a little bit about yourself?"  
"I uhm.. okay." Draco agreed.  
"It won't help if you make anything up, lie or conceal information, I will know the truth anyway." She said.

It turned out that Elara was very good at legilimency, which was very handy for this job. She would know what someone experienced, she would almost be able to experience it herself and she would indeed know if you were lying or not. After a long session of mainly talking about his life (they didn't start the legilimency yet) they called it a day.

"I think this is a very good start, thank you for being so open towards me." Elara said.  
"I don't have much of a choice, do I?" He answered.  
Elara ignored this. "And again, please don't forget everything you tell me is between you and me. You can fully trust me." She said with a comforting smile at the end.  
"I know." He said and stood up. "I think I'll see you next week then."  
"Yes, next Tuesday, same place, same time. Oh and if you have these nightmares again or if there's anything else you want to get off your chest, owl me right away."  
"That's very kind but I don't think I should bother you with my issues any time of the day." Draco said.  
"Nonsense, I just want you to be able to talk to anyone, I can see that's what you need."  
"Thanks." He answered simply. "See you next week."

When he was back in his room that evening he felt like it was time to try a little harder to get his mind off of things, it was time to think about his own wellbeing again and spoil himself a little. He asked a house elf to draw him a bath and get him some Fire Whiskey. As the water was pouring into the bathtub he realised he still hadn't thanked Elara for saving him that day. He seized a page of parchment and wrote to her. He still couldn't believe this was all really happening, was this all set up by his parents maybe? He sealed the letter, summoned his owl and gave him his letter. When he saw the owl flying away he almost immediately regretted his decision. He didn't want to be depending on someone, and it was a girl after all who saved him. How could a girl be better than him? He started to realise he started to think more like his old self again but if that was a good thing, he didn't know. But he had to admit that even during this little session today he was able to get some things off his chest and he slowly started to feel a bit more human again.

That evening he fell asleep rather relaxed, the nightmares weren't gone yet but they surely weren't as bad as they used to be.


	5. Chapter 5

The weeks went by, October turned into November and it started to get chillier outside. Draco still went to St Mungo's once a week for his therapy sessions with Elara Plunkett. He was getting a bit more sleep lately but that was about it. Since he was trained in Occlumency she hadn't been able to use Legilimency on him.

'If you want me to help you, you have to let me in!' Elara had said two weeks ago.  
Draco had just looked annoyed and made a meaningless gesture.  
She sighed and sat down in her chair opposite him. 'Look, you don't have to be afraid that I will judge you by the things I will see once you open up your mind to me. I am here to help you and to help you the best I could I have to fully understand you. You have to show me who you are, who you really are...'  
'I know.' He simply answered. The truth was he just didn't want to share his memories with anyone, let alone his feelings.

At least there was something Draco had learned during his therapy session: he had to try to get back into the social world again. Go out, see people, talk to them, trying to feel less anxious and paranoid. Since he wasn't really feeling like going back to Diagon Alley, he decided to go to Hogsmeade instead. He hadn't visited the village since he was about 16 years old. He had good memories of Hogsmeade, it made him think about school, being with friends, buying sweets and drinking Butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks. He dressed up in one of his warmer cloaks since light snow was falling outside. He also stumbled upon his old Slytherin scarf. He couldn't help but smile a little bit when he saw it. He picked it up carefully as he looked at it, wishing he could just be back into Hogwarts and all of this never had happened. He could just have finished his 7th year, maybe he could have been working for the Ministry now. 'Father would have loved that.' He thought to himself. Draco never really cared about getting into the Ministry himself, he would much rather be playing Quidditch. Merlin's beard, he would give everything to play Quidditch again or go to a Quidditch match.

'What are you doing?'  
Draco turned around quickly. 'Mother,' he said breathless. 'You scared me.'  
'I am sorry darling, I didn't mean to. What is that? Your Slytherin scarf?' Narcissa asked as she nodded at the emerald scarf he had clutched in his hands.  
He nodded.  
'I also kept mine, you know that?' She said.  
'No.. no I didn't.' Draco answered.  
She laughed softly. 'Don't tell your father though, he says I shouldn't hold on to all those "old things"'.  
'Well that is an odd thing to say for someone who is possibly the most old-fashioned person walking around on this planet.' He said sarcastically.  
Narcissa just grinned in return. 'Are you going anywhere?' She said as she looked at his cloak.  
'What? Oh, yes. I am thinking of going to Hogsmeade.' He answered.  
'Oh, that is a good idea. It always looks more magical when it snows. I haven't been there in ages, your father and I used to go on our first date there and-'  
'I don't need to know all of that mother.' Draco cut her off.  
She chuckled. 'Sorry darling, I know. I am happy you are going out, it is good for you. Have fun.' She said and gave him a quick hug.  
'It won't be too long, I will surely be back for dinner tonight, bye mother.' Draco said and he disapparated.

He apparated on the little pathway that led from Hogwarts to Hogsmeade. The last time he stood there was probably in his 6th year. He turned around and looked at the magnificent castle. He just felt like he was back in school again for a second. The only thing that was different was that he was standing there alone. Normally he used to walk there flanked by Crabbe and Goyle.

He walked to the little village, hearing the fresh snow crunching beneath his feet. Hogsmeade looked beautiful, the roof tiles of the shops were all covered in a thin layer of snow and the windows were glistening in the candlelight from within the buildings. The first thing to caught his eye was the Three Broomsticks. He was excited and scared at the same time about going in there. He has good memories of it, but at the same time he was scared that people might look at him, call him names, maybe didn't even allow him in there. But that was the whole point of coming here, wasn't it? He had to face his fears, be around people. He took a deep breath and walked into the pub. It was very crowded so no one really paid attention to him. As he looked around to see if there was a table free he spotted a familiar ginger, again. And when he saw that he was sharing a table with someone with silver blonde hair he just wanted to turn around and walk away. But it was too late, George Weasley had spotted him. He didn't greet him though but just looked at him with a disgusted look on his face. Draco wanted to turn around but he tripped over his own feet, fell forward but broke his fall by grabbing onto someone who was walking back to her seat holding three butterbeer. She spilled it all over herself and him whilst she dropped it on the floor.  
'Are you mad?!' The witch cried.  
'I-I'm sorry-' Draco stuttered, straightening his clothes and reaching for his wand. 'Let me fix this. Reparo.' He said quickly. 'And I'm sorry about that too..' He nodded at her clothes. 'Scourgify.'  
The witch just scoffed and walked away without saying another word.  
'You're welcome..' Draco murmured sarcastically.

'Draco?' Elara's voice sounded from behind him.  
He signed and turned around. She had turned around on her chair to look at him. 'Come sit with us!' She said and smiled at him. She clearly hadn't discussed this with George cause he looked very unimpressed.  
'Sorry, I uh- I can't. I have to go.' Draco lied.  
George's face turned a lot more cheerful again.  
'Oh come on, just a quick drink.' Elara tried again.  
'I can't, I have an appointment, at 3 o'clock.'  
'Well, it's only five past two, plenty of time.' Elara answered.  
Damn it, he thought, why didn't he check the time before saying that? Since there was no way in winning this argument anymore he just nodded, forced the most unrealistic smile and sat down at the table.

'It's good to see you out here! How are you? Shall I get us some butterbeers?'  
Draco didn't even have time to answer cause she had already stand up and made her way to the bar. He had never felt more awkward in his life. He was sitting at the Three Broomsticks with George Weasley of all people whilst he just made a fool of himself.  
'So.. I see you also know Elara?' George said eventually after an awkward silence.  
'She's my therapist, yes.' Draco simply answered. 'What about you, you always go out with your therapists?'  
'That's non of your business.' George spat back.  
Draco just raised his eyebrows at him. 'Sensitive subject?'  
'Shut up, Malfoy.' George said through gritted teeth. He tried to contain himself, he didn't want to punch Malfoy on the nose in the middle of a crowded pub.  
Draco just chuckled.  
'You've to consider yourself very luckily that I am still sitting here with you and haven't cursed the hell out of you.' said George.  
'Oh believe me, I've never been happier.' Draco answered sarcastically. 'Why are you even in therapy?'  
'That's non of your business either.' George replied.  
'I can imagine your life must have been very traumatic, no money, living in an ugly hovel and also loosing your twin brother.' Draco said.  
'Shut up!' George yelled as he stood up and took out is wand. Draco just sat there, raising is eyebrows at him. 'Now now, calm down, everyone is looking at you.'  
'You filthy..' George said through gritted teeth, still not lowering his wand.  
'What is going on?' Elara asked as she walked back to the table with the butterbeers.  
'He's insulting me!' George said.  
'Calm down, please, you don't want to make a scene, do you?' Elara tried to shush him.

Eventually George gave in. He took a deep breath, put his wand away and sat down.  
'He insulted me.' George said again, this time calmer.  
'Is that true, Draco?' Elara asked.  
He just shrugged. 'The fact he took what I said as an insult says more about him than about me.'  
'What exactly did you say?' Elara asked.  
'Just that I understand that he must have had a hard life. You know, no money, loosing a brother.'  
'Okay, well maybe George finds it hard to talk about those things. His family means a lot to him. Just try to think how that must feel for him if you bring up those things.' Elara said, looking from Draco to George.  
'Right.. but he didn't have to point his wand at me.' Draco still didn't give up on this discussion.  
'You are right about that.. let's just try to think how the other person feels first before speaking, okay?'  
The two men nodded.

They didn't offend each other anymore but it was hard to act like they liked each other. He also still didn't like the fact that George and Elara were sitting there together, he wasn't sure why but he just didn't like it.

'So, Elara.' Draco said after he drank the last bit of his butterbeer. 'Elara, that's not a name you hear often actually when you think about it.'  
She chuckled. 'No it's not very common, I am named-'  
'Named after the eight largest Moon of Jupiter. Which is named after one of Zeus's lovers and the mother of the giant Tityos.' Draco said.  
Elara and George both looked at Draco, totally surprised.  
'How in Merlin's name do you know that?' She asked.  
'My whole family is named after stars and constellations.' Draco said with a smirk. He couldn't help but feel proud of it.

After a while George stood up. 'I'm really sorry but I have to go now. I really enjoyed hanging out with you.' He said and smiled at Elara.  
'Me too, I hope to see you again soon.' Elara said and stood up. She hugged George and gave him a quick kiss on his cheek. George smiled back. 'Please say hello to your mother from me.' Elara said.  
'I will, of course.' He said as he put on his winter cloak and scarf. 'See you later.' George said. Just as Draco thought he would totally ignore him George gave a little nod at him before he left.

'Lovely chap, isn't it?' Elara said as she sat down again.  
'Is there anything, uh, more between you two?' Draco couldn't help but ask, and as he did he was very much hoping she would say no.  
'What? No, of course not! He's my client, but he's just a really nice guy and we like to hang out, nothing more.' She said.  
'Alright, alright. Just asking.' He said and smirked. 'I believe you are blushing.'  
'I am not!' She said and actually started blushing.  
Draco laughed. 'Well you look cute.' The words were out before he knew it.  
'Pardon?' She said and a smirk appeared on her face.  
'What?' He said, he felt his cheeks getting warmer.  
For Merlin's sake, pull yourself together Draco. You are not blushing and she is your therapist.  
'Are you flirting with me?' Elara asked.  
'No, no of course not!' Draco said quickly.  
Elara just chuckled and Draco looked away awkwardly.

'Mother? Mother I'm home!' He said as he walked into the grant hall of Malfoy Manor. He didn't get a response so he walked into the drawing room. He found his mother sitting there on one of the emerald sofas.  
'Oh there you are.' He said as he took off his cloak. A house elf appeared and eagerly took the coat from the young mister Malfoy, mumbled something, and disappeared with a pop again.  
'Oh I'm sorry darling I didn't hear you, I must have dozed off. Did you have a good time?' Narcissa asked.  
'Yes, yes I had actually.' He nodded and smiled a little at the end.  
'I am glad,' his mother said. 'Come sit with me.'  
Draco smiled and sat own next to his mother. 'Where's father?' He asked.  
'He's at the ministry, I'm not completely sure what he's doing but it seemed urgent.' Narcissa replied and frowned.  
'Right..' Draco said and nodded. 'Do you.. do you love him?' He asked abruptly.  
Narcissa looked at her son is disbelief. 'Pardon?'  
'Do you love him? Did you love him when you married him?'  
'Of course, I love your father very much. I still do. Why are you asking me this?' Narcissa asked confused.  
'I don't know.. sorry..' Draco said and looked down.  
Narcissa sighed. 'Does this have anything to with you and Astoria?'  
'We don't want to marry each other, mother!' He said and looked up at her, a desperate look in his eyes.  
'But why not? You've known each other for so long, you seem to get along..'  
'Well yes, she is a nice girl but.. I'm not in love with her..' He said.  
'Maybe not now but I'm sure that later-'  
'I don't want to wait for later, mother! I want to find someone who will fall in love with instantly and know that that will be the woman I want to share the rest of my life with!' He was starting to loose his temper and stood up. 'We don't want to be together!'  
Narcissa looked a bit shocked at her son's sudden reaction. She wasn't sure what to say, and neither was Draco. He sat down again next to his mother with his head in his hands. Narcissa bit her lip and carefully placed an arm around her son. Draco was quietly sobbing into his hands. 'Why,' he said smothered. 'Why do you do this to me, if you love me you wouldn't do this.' He gave a loud sob.  
His mother looked shocked. 'Darling, of course I love you. It hurts me so much to see you like this.' She said with tears in her eyes. 'I love you very, very much.' Draco was still sobbing loudly and uncontrollably. She pulled him into an embrace and he lay his head against her shoulder.

After a while Narcissa said softly 'Is there anyone else you want to marry?'  
'No,' Draco said, he still was laying with his head against his mothers shoulder but he wasn't crying anymore. 'No of course not, no one loves me, how could I ever marry someone.'  
'That's not true, I am sure you will meet someone some day that you will fall in love with and she will love you back for who you are. Someone who doesn't care about your past but only sees the young man you are now.' Narcissa said softly and she rubbed her son's back.  
These words triggered his mind, someone had actually said this to him: Elara. The first time they met she had said she didn't care about who he was but about who he is now. He sat up again and ran a hand through his hair as he sighed deeply. His mind was racing. He started to think if he really liked Elara or that he only believed he liked her because she was the only one being nice to him.  
'Why don't you get some rest, lay down for a bit and then I'll call you when dinner is ready.' Narcissa smiled and lay a hand on his leg.  
Draco nodded and gave a weak smile.

One week later Draco made his way to St Mungo's again for another therapy session. He once again sat down in a chair opposite Elara and she gave it another try let him open up to her.  
'Draco, you don't have to be scared. Just give it a try. Don't block your mind for me, please.. I want to help you. If you won't let me help you we have to end our sessions.' Elara said.  
'It's just not that easy for me.' Draco said.  
'I know, I completely understand that,' she said as she lay a comforting hand on his leg, 'but you have to trust me, just this once.' She said and looked into his eyes. He started back at her for a moment but then he awkwardly looked away.  
'Alright.' He eventually said.  
Elara pulled her hand back and raised her eyebrows. 'You want to give it another try?'  
Draco nodded.  
'I'm so proud of you.' Elara smiled. 'Okay, just relax.'  
She stood up, concentrated on him and said 'Legilimens.'

Draco had this weird feeling, it was like he was dreaming but he was awake. He saw flashes of memories; Hogwarts, Dumbledore, Malfoy Manor, Voldemort, his Dark Mark. It stopped as abruptly as it started. He felt dizzy and as though he was going to be sick.  
'Are you alright?' She asked as she saw his pale face. She quickly poured a glass of water and give it to him. Draco took it and drank some. 'Thanks.' He murmured. 'Did- did you see what I saw?'  
Elara nodded. 'Yes, I did.' She took a deep breath, she knew this was going to be hard for him. 'I assume this was only a small part, and I can't even imagine what it must have been like for you.. to have Voldemort at your house, could you tell me something about that?' She was talking in a soft and suiting voice.  
Draco just simply looked at her for a moment but then he began to speak, for the first time ever he spoke about what he had been through.  
'It was horrifying.' He said quietly. 'My parents didn't want him their either, he knew that, but of course we didn't tell him.. we had meetings with all the Death Eaters at our dining room..' he was quiet for a moment, staring blankly in front of him. 'Every night-' he stopped to clear his throat and then continued. 'Every night I was scared he might just wander down our corridors.. come into my room, my parents room, whilst we were sleeping.. I thought he was going to kill us...' his voice faded away. He didn't want to look at her so he just looked down at his hands.  
'I think that is enough for today. You have done great Draco, I am so proud of you.' Elara said and gave him an encouraging smile. 'And you can be proud of yourself too.' She laid her hand on his shoulder. He looked up at her. 'Thank you..' he said softly.  
'Next time we could give it another try or you-'  
'No!' Draco interrupted her. 'No, I'm not doing this again.' He said and stood up.  
Elara looked puzzled. 'Sorry?'  
'You maybe have seen a little bit of what I have been through but don't expect I'm just going to let you in on everything now! Who do you even think you are?' He blurred out aggressively.  
'Draco, I am sorry if I somehow gave you the impression-'  
'How do I even know you are not working for someone else? If my story is in the newspaper tomorrow I know who did it!'  
'Draco! Stop it!' Elara now got mad at him. 'You are being unreasonable, calm down!'  
'Oh shut up, I'm done!' He said and opened the door, walked out and shut the door behind him with a loud bang.  
'Draco!' Elara yelled walking after him. 'Stop, come back!'  
'No, I'm not coming back! I don't need your help anymore, I quit!' He said angrily and walked out, leaving Elara totally confused.

'He did what?!' Lucius Malfoy cried out.  
'Darling please, don't go up to him now.' Narcissa said to her husband. Draco had come back home totally upset, his mother managed to comfort him and he told her what happened. Draco now was upstairs in his room, but he could still hear the furious voice of his father.  
'Is he out of his mind? He is finally properly starting his therapy sessions but he just too scared to go on!'  
'Yes he is scared, so we have to help him, we are his parents!' Narcissa said.  
'Does he even know what this has costs us?' Lucius said, ignoring what his wife was saying.  
'Oh don't even start about money, Lucius! Like we don't have enough!'  
'Well less than before, and we are going to run out of it some day!' He said furiously.  
'Don't be ridiculous! And even if we are, it's for our son's sake!'  
Lucius just shook his head, signed and walked away.  
'Don't you walk out on me now!' Narcissa yelled after him. 'You do this every time it starts to get serious. Do you even want to help him?'  
'Of course I do! But you don't agree with my ideas of handling this so I don't see the point in carrying on this conversation.'  
'Well no, I don't agree on you storming into his room and saying how disappointed you are in him, cause that won't help him!'  
'Cissy, please, let's talk about this later, I've had a very long day at the Ministry and-'

Draco could hear his parents argue for a couple more minutes. He laid down on his bed and took a deep breath. Why did he do this? Was he really just too scared to go on? Too scared of what she would see? Scared if he could actually trust her? His mind was racing with thoughts. He didn't want any help, he wanted to be independent, but at the same time he felt like she was the only one he could talk to and that she was the only person who liked him. After a while he stood up, made himself a bath, took a bottle of Firewhiskey and plunged himself into the bathtub with it. He didn't know how much he had to drink, he didn't know how long he was in there, all he knew that that whiskey made him feel better, and all he wanted right now was to feel good.


End file.
